Why do I feel so detached?Not detached as in the tie note concept, but just living a life outside life.
It's as if there's this big pervading blue fence of unfamilarity around me. You know in the stories about A and E patients, when during the operation they expereince an 'out of body' moment? A sorta floating sensation, where they observe the rigours they're physical selves are being put through? Yep. So it feels like I'm just filtering in and out of consciousness, alive yet without identity.
Confused? Welcome to the club.
It may be the mad rush to accustomize myself to new academia. IB was never gonna be a bed of roses they say, but isn't it a bit early to start feeling the prick of the thorns? Let me digress. As you can probably guess, this entry is actually serious, unlike the previous 2 or 3, so bear with me. All good humorists should be able to take a step back from (or out of) reality and look at themselves. So yeah.
The bridging courses we have had, don't bridge. Rather in a bout of introspection, they only serve to tell me how much I don't know, and how ill prepared I am. Steph says I'll be fine, and well gotta trust her since she's graduating in August, and leaving to the UK (sniff.), but I don't know. I guess I'll have to judge again once lessons actually start, but from the academic endeavours of 2006 (GDC whoring and a zuowen), or rather my lack of interest in these academic endeavours, I feel like I'm degenerating. Detached and degenerating, double Ds that describe (woah alliteration) my demise. hahah not really demise, but still..
So back to my astral experience. So I see myself going through the motions of everyday life. But is this the life I'm satisfied with? A couple of my greatest fears in life, are isolation, lack of conversation and regret. And shards of these I feel already. Premature jitters? Maybe. Unwarranted? Perhaps. But I don't know, it just dosen't feel right.
Plenty of "I don't know"s littering this entry, and that's the truth. I feel lost in a sea of faces. People that I know seem so hard to talk to. It's like I've lost zest. Everything's going at 56k, a drag...And no this is not some emo rant. I am not :
1) heartbroken 2) suicidal 3) delusional.
Just surreal. And weary.
This screams "welcome to reality". So here goes, Day 20: Confrontation, by Ayreon. A metal opera/musical of 20 tracks, where the protagonist is visited by the emotions of his life (in the brackets) after a car accident. His head's feeling pretty messed up I offer.
Tell me bout it.
Welcome to reality, be ready for the pain Welcome to reality, will it be in vain Welcome to reality, Nothing much has changed since you were gone
Delivered at 9:23 PM;
KENNETH
Name:Slumber
Born:16th August
FANCIES
Him.K.anglo-chinese.music for the passionate.marvel.gunners.
Orange.debate.
long bus rides armed with an eye and a pod.74.
philosophizing.dystopia.
coffee.Rove.Health.Famary.
Buddies.
writing.1984.
expression.Italian food.
journeys.teh-peng.
stream of consciousness.
witty play on words.musing.
accents.the heartrands.performing.
being a closet connossieur.
a point of view.vigorous
interaction with spherical objects.
irony&pathos.yum.
JS.spirit.a girl that would smile