It is 2:22 AM now, and my head's spinning. My IOP essay, or lack thereof is nestling pretty nicely on my desktop. Yes, I should finish it by tonight, I mean this morning. Things should be finished. I'm finished I suppose. Threw in the towel, kicked the bucket. At 2:22, I mean 2:25 AM, I am wondering why I feel so useless about myself.. The word is gnawing. A dull pang in the chest cavity that stays there like a blistering white light shone into your eyes. When I write in short abrupt sentences, it's a feeble attempt at saying rather blatantly that my heart, and not my intellect is controlling my finger tips as they swipe across the keyboard in wild abandon.

Remember the first time you learnt how to ride a bicycle? Mine was in Serangoon when I was young. And off tangent, but I think for all future expressions of despair and sadness I shall allude some story related to Chiltern Park and Serangoon. Maybe someone can compile a scrap book. "Sadness In Serangoon." Something like "Sleepless In Seattle." just not.

The first bicycle I had was a red and blue BMX vehicle that came along with training wheels. I hated those training wheels. Training wheels were a sign of weakness and lack of indepedence. And when they came off a few weeks thanks to my dad, I was elated. On my first trip round the condo with my dad and without my training wheels, I would look always look down at my feet, willing them to peddle as fast as possible so that my dad had to let go, and I would be able to do a Lance Armstrong and have my own wristband. Okay maybe not, but I remember my intepretation of speed was somewhat limited as my dad firmly held on to the bicycle seat, and even if I had the false hope that I was cruising, my dad would eventually slow things down and bring me back to Earth.

And then one day, he let go.


He did warn me, I recall, saying something along the lines of "I'm going to let go now, don't peddle too fast or you may not be able to control the bike" But alas, O woe, Lim Peh didn't take heed. And I guess I soon realized where the term "vicious cycle" arose from. When my dad let go, I whizzed, if anything across the surface of the ground, and my eyes were still fixated on my feet, which for the first time were given Air Jordans and I could go as fast as they allowed, for no one was really holding me back. It all lasted for a good 20 seconds, as manouvering out of the playground where I was cycling at required a nice, sharp left turn and obviously my sharp left turn skillz weren't really up to par. Thus I ended up with a bruise on my forehead, and an even more battered up ego.

Now, throughout my life *cue violin intro*, I have been in, and well on many a vicious cycle, the evil twin of the deja vu, and you know how they say lightning doesn't strike twice? Well it does, and in the same spot too. I'm not going to say exactly what's going on now because I am weary of the way things may turn out on the internet, and if anything, human conversation should never be replaced by writing on the internet.

And I mean, let's not go all cryptic and stuff, but I can't seem grasp what it means to be a good man. I have never had a girlfriend before. The mere wisp of the endearing term is foreign to me. Bien told me that he has never seen a guy think so hard, and fret so much over a relationship before, not even himself. And I don't know, I think too much, maybe because I'm scared things will spiral out of control. I wear my heart on my sleeve so often, that it has become almost surgically attached to the cotton, but the fact is that I'm at a loss of what to do. I wish I could ease the pain by going back to my IOP, but I have never been one of those guys that immerse themselves in work to forget what's going on.

I am angry at myself, for being so inept. When I see couples get together, I wonder, can it ever happen to me? Should it ever happen to me? I can never emphasize enough how severely lacking I am, in experiencing relationships.

I, dear internet, am inscecure. I am insecure because I lack confidence in my apperance, my personality, and my ability to make you happy. Ever since I knew what it meant to have people dear to me, I would fear that they would be taken away from me because I do not have the competence to make them stay. I would dream up nightmarish scenarios for myself, that I would pour my heart into organzing a party or something, only to have nobody turn up because there's only me, all dressed up and sitting by one side waiting for the doorbell to ring. My insecurities have made me hold on tightly, to whatever vestige of humanity I have found.

You are like a kite to me, making my eyes dance with happiness and joy as we soar in the sky together, over the trees, boundaries and other earthly things. But I hate myself, because I cling on to the string so tightly at times, not even knowing that I am, for fear that the kite might just slip out of my fingers and leave me. I hold on tightly because I am afraid it might get bored of looking at me on the ground constantly, and might just want to fly away somewhere else.

As I unknowingly want to keep you in my sight, I fray the strings and I feel like I'm losing you each day by day and can't do anything to do about it but to just hold you closer. But I realize, that you've gotta let the strings loose if the kite wants to soar to its highest. I realize, that I have to let go, if we are to have the best of times together. I acknowledge my stupidity for not giving you the chance to soar among the clouds...but just know that I held on so tightly, because you meant, and mean so much to me. And I should have not hesitated, and should have told you when the skies were blue.

But I'm learning. Step by step I'm letting the string go lightly. And as my heartstrings come undone, my only regret is that I didn't know what to do earlier. I berate myself for allowing strings to be frayed, and sometimes I wonder why I didn't want to mend it together the first chance I could. But I guess we all learn. I'm learning. And all I can hope for is that perhaps you still haven't given up and flown away, and maybe I could have the chance to fly with you, once more?

like you did before?