I think my life has meaning. I'm not terribly certain of it, but sometimes when the wind starts to howl and all's chilly within, you do hope that your life has some vestige of meaning. I'd die happy to know that something I've done, something I've said or some random spark of my personality has given someone's day that an ounce of meaning. I want to die happy anyway. A huge grin plastered all over my face as Europe's Final Countdown loops in unadulterated pomp and fanfare. Ah yes. bliss.
I've come to the conclusion that Mathematics is the metaphor for Singaporean Society . To succeed in it, you have to be disciplined, rigid and willing to slog for hours on end for positive resutlts. More importantly, you have to be able to accept rote and formula as doctrine and not ask any questions, because the 'why' aspects are often beyond you and your feeble mind which of course is feeble having been ingrained into the rules of the system And when you finally get the plot, when you finally get the good results, the tangible, material benefits, the only way left to go is up, because you have mastered the way to lead your existence, to prepare for future diversifications and now you have found true meaning in mathematics because you know how to do it. If you haven't you'll just remain in Math Studies purgatory. No standard. No higher, no bungalows in Bukit Timah, just doomed to go round and round in blue collar circles for the rest of your life. To succeed you have to leave your mind and heart and the door, enter and accept all that you're given as truth and fact, slogging till you bleed and working toward an unattainable utopia and finally forgetting that you've ever possessed a mind or a heart. Wow, that's worth 7 points man.
I saw a "Singa the Lion" T-shirt on sale in the library today and I'm gonna buy it, so I can smile for all I'm worth. I attempted being different today, holding the lift open (while smiling okay) for two middle aged men who could have wasted 10 seconds of their life waiting for the next in one instance, and for a yuppie couple in another. And apparently there's a new way of saying 'Thank you' in society nowadays. It's inaudible, and you have to flex your facial muscles a bit. Ok try looking at your facial expressions in the mirror as you take an incredible and angry shit. That's the new way to say "thank you for holding the lift for me stranger" in Singaporean. And while we're on the topic, think you're Adolf Hitler,just for a moment, and that the person standing between you and the mrt train door, the person who is talking a tad too loud in the cinema, or just a man on the street blocking your way from leading a fufilling existence is a godforsaken and cancerous Jew. Rub your mustache, channel all the vile spirits of the Volk and in a moment of wild, contorted abandon shout, for all your one testicle is worth some incoherent german speak.
If done right, it should come out as an "excuse me", in Singaporean.
In other news, conversations and thought has made me realize the lubdub,lubdub thing inside my chest is sustained by fine threads of bandage, plaster and cotton wool. It beats gingerly, not too hard for fear of bursting the material barely holding it together, and not too soft for fear of it just ceasing to beat. I have picked it up writhing and spurting on the floor too many times, placing it in some plastic bag temporarily and sewing it together too often that I don't know if it's the same lubdub, lubdub thing as before.
Tis not a good feeling. I think one more, yes just one more aneurysm, one more heartache, and somebody jolly well get a certain Europe track ready, for play on endless repeat. Oh yeah. When you're digging my grave, could you make it shallow, so that I can feel the rain?
Thanks.
kaneeeeemo out.
Delivered at 11:56 PM;
KENNETH
Name:Slumber
Born:16th August
FANCIES
Him.K.anglo-chinese.music for the passionate.marvel.gunners.
Orange.debate.
long bus rides armed with an eye and a pod.74.
philosophizing.dystopia.
coffee.Rove.Health.Famary.
Buddies.
writing.1984.
expression.Italian food.
journeys.teh-peng.
stream of consciousness.
witty play on words.musing.
accents.the heartrands.performing.
being a closet connossieur.
a point of view.vigorous
interaction with spherical objects.
irony&pathos.yum.
JS.spirit.a girl that would smile