Carpe Diem

THOUGHTS

Sunday, January 28, 2007

There was a time, when people said that Singapore won't make it, but we did. There was a time, when trouble seemed to much for us to take, but we did, just by beating Malaysia.

And that is why to me patriotism is spherical, and belongs not in the heart but in the legs. At the National Stadium last night, Majullah Singapura was an apt battle cry that once stripped of all its political trimmings stirred in me a mixture of pride, passion and loyalty to something that I wouldn't feel the same about on other occasions. Really, if souless Singapore needs something to restore, no to create a National Spirit, it's football and sport.

It was a heady and intoxicating experience. Every time a Singaporean player got the ball, every crunching tackle, every through pass,every foul that a Malaysian commited the heat behind the collar and in the cheeks was heightened, more so than any National Day parade, rally, four million smile campaign has ever done for me. I can unabashedly say yes, I am proud to be Singaporean, or in the words of that primary one chinese textbook : wo shi xin jia po gong ming, wo ai xin jia po. It's as if the gripes with Singaporean society dissipate with every punt of the ball. As effective as propoganda itself.

I ask myself then, am I really proud of my country, or am I just happy that the group of footballers that the place of my birth has associated me with just did a one-upper over another team? I don't know how loyalty and patriotism can be measured, but I sure know that when I was up in the grandstand together with 55 000 comrades in red, screaming myself hoarse, joining in the Kallang roar, feeling an immense sense of pride when Mhd Ridhuan was substituted and came to our side of the stadium to applaud us fans en route to the dressing room and belting out the National Anthem at a decibel level far higher than that during morning assembly since time millenia that that was the closest I have come, to being proud of my nation, regardless of the actual result. My heart swelled. Is that enough to be considered patriotic?

The sense of unadulterated euphoria in that split second that saw the Malaysian net bulge as Ridhuan equalized was uncomprehensible and if channelled properly could light up the city for a year. I don't even remember the details of how the goal was actually scored, but when I turned and looked at Liz next to me, and Ethan and Seow on the other side, together with the rest of the stadium going ballistic, I knew it was something special.Is it possible to feel the same way about Singapore in any other setting? I honestly cannot answer. But to be there, to be there for your country, to read in the newspapers this morning how grateful the coach and players were that the fans went down, that we were their 12th man stirs up a sense of pride that cannot be replicated elsewhere. You thought that your support for your nation could make the difference. You were willing to be there, on the frontlines for your country. National Service anyone?

I realize, that something has been laid to rest. Grievance at how ungracious our society is, unhappiness at the lack of political freedom here, disgust at the xenophilia of our countrymen etc etc all took a back seat as I can after those three hours at the National Stadium say that I was proud to be Singaporean, and just like Winston Smith did in the Chestnut Tree Cafe say that I truly loved Singapore.

Boleh.

Delivered at 8:52 PM;

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A song that I just learnt (thanks van) in between contemplating of a move to wordpress because form tells me substance wll follow..

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

Delivered at 12:06 AM;

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Siddharta left it all and frankly, I'm tired. I might just up and move away.

Delivered at 9:37 PM;

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hark! A quiz!

The iTunes Crystal Ball - Turn on shuffle and answer these questions:

1. What do you think of me, iTunes?

Yellow - Coldplay.

Racist Americans. Hmph

2. Will I have a happy life?

Yesterday Once More - The Carpenters

Very profound, this memory-fueled path and frankly it makes me question whether it's worth to hold on to what I do.

3. What do my friends really think of me?

Miss You In a Heartbeat - Def Leppard

I think it's the other way around, rather. No man is an island, Donne said.

4. Do people secretly lust after me?

Every Breath You Take - The Police

I'll never look at this song the same way again. Eek.

5. How can I make myself happy?

Same Ol' Situation - Motley Crue

Why rock the boat eh? Very Singaporean indeed.

6. What should I do with my life?

Into the West - Annie Lennox

How far West? I'm going West everyday but I don't feel like I'm doing much with my life. America beckons.

7. Why must life be so full of pain?

Lightning Crashes - Live

Because without pain there is no life, as any mother will tell you. Om.

8. Will I ever have children?

Another Day - Dream Theater

Priorites eh.

9. Will I die happy?

Already Gone - The Eagles

Yep, you're right, it doesn't matter since I'm dead already.

10. Can you give me some advice?

Cigarettes and Alcohol - Oasis

"You could wait for a lifetime
To spend your days in the sunshine
You might as well do the white line
Cos when it comes on top . . .

You gotta make it happen!

Is it worth the aggravation
To find yourself a job when there's nothing worth working for?
It's a crazy situation
But all I need are cigarettes and alcohol"

Momma said you were a bad influence. (:

Delivered at 9:33 PM;

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble
To the sea

I wont cry, I wont cry
No I wont shed a tear
Just as long,
As I can, can IB

Delivered at 9:05 PM;

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

"Oooh la la! Il est encore en vie!"

He's still alive. Yes.

When you haven't spoken French for about two months and when your French teacher has just been switched to a tall, lithe, 27 year old French native speaker from Belgium with an icy stare and a particular distaste for raging boy hormones,

It's nice to be alive.

Bonne chance. :(

Delivered at 10:03 PM;

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Music hits me like a bolt from the bluest part of blue. Deep shades mixed with pale, swirling around each other and mixing till there is no distinction between light and dark, and all that remains is this vast sea of blue, calm and yet in the next second splashing all over me like a crazed man armed with a bucket of paint.

I was eating dinner, then a voice in my head, well just broke the analogue and said some indecipherable lyric about falling into stars and arms and the ilk. So I rushed home and tried to find that song, which I guess I must have heard on the radio, seeing that firstly I didn't have it, and secondly well it was on the radio so I doubt I have it. It was Simply Red, and well, Stars. Hmmm kenneth's listening to Simply Red? *checks temperature". But the song's great, and it's one of those songs that stick at the back of your head and pops out in sporadic intervals making you wanna listen to it again.

When I wake up in the morning everyday, there will be a song stuck in my head. It's very weird, like a hidden record somewhere in my hypothalamus continually repeating itself till I'm fully awake. I think I like the subconscious. Needa check with Kant on that though.

Yesterday when I was in school one of the custodians came up to talk. I'm not sure what was her name, but I see her all the time. Probably the most hardworking one at that. She asked me what I was doing in school at such an ungodly hour, and well the conversation sorta led, in halting chinese (me halting more) to her giving me advice on life. She told me to study hard so I can get out of Singapore and find a good job so I don't have to be a custodian like her. Being politically correct in these situations is an art form. All I could manage was a 'aiyah don't say like that' kinda response..Feeble, but necessary perhaps? She then said, no, really you guys have to get the good jobs. It's maddeningly competitive out there. And the government doesn't care. At least Lee Kuan Yew cared about us. Now that it's his son and who knows who you kids are gonna suffer because the PAP doesn't care anymore. So work hard and find a good job, ah boy.

Ah, boy. sounds like a double dose of negativity.

Delivered at 9:09 PM;

Saturday, January 06, 2007

"The delight from the dialectic generated from the question outweighs the illusion of certainty that may be gained from answering it."

Delivered at 11:37 AM;

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Emotion Sickness, haha how apt. Two nouns packed together and what, increase the intensity of both, swirling about till we get a huge dose of Emosick? Or Emo-ness. AH that makes much more sense.

I was struck by a big wave of Emotion Sickness today. Something like being sea sick, just that your emotions are just as tumultuous are the waves, to randomly scour about for weak metaphors.

Anyway,I shall first though, and for the first time: recount what i did today!

Actually let's start from last night. After Jan 1's drunken resolutions, I thought hey why not lets give this whole 'studying' thing a try. So I took out my Math textbook, and read for two hours the chapter on limits and the introduction to differentiation. It was enriching, mind boggling, and evoking almost the same feeling as having completed an Iron Man, bloody, tired, bloody tired, but satisfied nonetheless.

Thursday, today. Had Biology and Math in close proximity of each other, so I tried for the first time too, paying attention to both, taking down notes profusely and schitz. Tok was a respite though, as the class was reduced to mainly just Jwong, Justin, a few sporadic voices and I talking. What's New. We did genetics in biology, Michelle's a 23XXX, super female. And I just just came home today and went through what we did. Someone should buy 4D. Math was mental acrobatics as well, calculus. But ah well, my reading last night remotely helped.

Oh Priya's not teaching us french anymore. Pourquoi Madam, Pourqoui? but we're replaced by this 25 year old-esque Belge native speaker of French called Laurence von something. Je regrette, I'll find out more soon.

Then the nice talk, by chock. Mmmmzhi mmmzhi.

The talk was perversely beautiful. There was a tangible smell of fear and trepidation in the air. Beautiful though, because Chock ended with a prayer. Small, and well repeated gesture with very little variants apart from "In Jesus name we pray, the Best is Yet To Be", but still appreciated. Just made me realize that I mean no matter how much crud was presented to us, deadlines and whatnot, at least we submitted it to God, as a level. Makes me appreciate the Christian culture in AC. In other secular institutions it'd be nothing more than a good luck have fun, and thanks for all the fish kinda thing.

I recount these, for the simple purpose of reiterating that I'm ready for IB Year Goddamn 2. I'm ready to work till I bleed for my 40 points. I'm ready to wean myself off all my vices so I can get into a good uni, get a good job, and be able to provide for my parents and my future family. I'm ready to do what it takes, and the last thing I need is for the carpet to be pulled under from my feet that has just started to move.

I needa see Dr.Ong tommorow morning coz i messed up my maths. Simple as that. Emotion Sickness. I was preparing to do my best to improve, and this just reminds me that I'm terrible at math. 4 people will be retained tommorow. I don't believe it'd be me, and people told me "you siao ah, you top history how to retain". That makes it all the more pathethic. Why can't I do well in math? Last year was crap(oh hey so was last last, last last last, last last last last..ooh patternz) and I always resolve to do better the next time around. And now, whoopdedoo, I need to see Dr "Wahhh so smart ahhh Kenneth, I need to give you a dean's list for saxophone too ahhh" Ong. Now I'm gonna be the fool that lives in extremes. I mean of course I care about how I look in front of my principal, but that's not the point. I'm just fatigued by the fact that I have to go face my demon again, and be reminded of my aptitude, or therelack of, at Mathematics. I wanna move on dammit.

Actually the talk with Dr. Ong is needed, I admit, the last push, the catalyst to stop the freefall. Maybe all my New Year's resolutions aren't good enough.

This is such a sorry situation that it's not even funny. You think I enjoy running off from Dean's list to go for Math Con Camp? I joke about it so that by being funny, it'd mask the incredulity of the entire fiasco.

I'm not gonna make empty promises now. I screwed up. I wanna fix it. Emosick.

That's that. Que Sera Sera.

Delivered at 10:17 PM;

Monday, January 01, 2007

Radio Blog Club is awesome, now I can share my favourite songs that no one else knows about with the rest of the world! Chekkit Out!

Delivered at 6:05 PM;

I was greeted in the mail today, by a copy of the Furl track "You'll Never Know" sent by brother black himself. I think it's awesome and magical how a song comes to fruition, where the message, the words, the lyrics, the music all come together in perfect harmony. Congrats mates!
And Music is the best, I say naively and unequivocally. No contest.

It's 2007 now. There's a pervading sense of disquiet around me, a yellowish purple aura that smells like a mixture of scent and salt, like perfume being sprayed into the breeze at sea, overwhelming, contradicting and beautifully unsettling. Ever had a short stray hand of hair embedd itself in the tip of your thumb before?Makes me wonder how something so tiny and worthless can cause so much distress. It pricks you as you rub your thumb and forefinger together, and you can hardly tell it's there. Awesome.

Something tells me that this world is fading, a slow grey ebb towards nothingness. It's crumbling, as we already know when we open the newspapers each morning to the smell of freshly burnt coffee. I don't think we're spinning out of control because there's more evil than good in this world, to quote a random nihilist, that the presence of terrorism, natural disasters, dictatorships, single party states, countries whose Prime Minister's surname has not changed since 1965, the internet, hollywood, IB is what constitutes for the globe acting like a cue ball with too much top spin, freefalling into a foul.

I think it's a lack of something, rather. Something has been lost in recent history, in the development of society, that has seen us lose the rustic, honest and benign nature of our lives. I'm living in the past I know, a pimordial being that will hui bei she hui tao tai (the only chinese phrase I remember now). Oh well, who said that the world's forgiving?

The disquiet's lifting somewhat. I am excited for school next year, I mean the day after tommorow because I wanna see whether all the drunk resolutions I make will see realization. I want this year to be, more than anything else, fufilled. Still, it's another tequila sunrise. This old world still looks the same, another frame..

Happy New Year everyone.

Delivered at 3:09 PM;